The Tomahawk Kid

A Rum Doo

2009-02-04T08:50:00.002Z

In this Feb. 1, 2009 photo released by the Australian Customs Service, the legs of an Australian man who was caught with two pigeons hidden in his pants on an international flight from Dubai to Melbourne, Australia, are shown. The 23-year-old man arrived in Melbourne on Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009 and was questioned by Customs officials after two eggs and some seeds were found in a vitamin container in his luggage. A search of his body found two live pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to the man's legs with a pair of tights.

(AP Photo/Australian Customs Service, HO)

I wonder what the story is behind this?

The White Stuff

2009-02-03T15:46:00.003Z

I wonder how often this happened down south over the past couple of days?

Must Have Gadget

2009-01-28T09:23:00.002Z

A Real Friday Groaner

2009-01-23T10:06:00.002Z

The row over whether Dubai Television should broadcast the television cartoon series "The Flintstones" continues.

A spokesman for the channel said: "It was claimed that people in Dubai would not understand Fred Flintstone's humour. But we know that people in Abu Dhabi do."

Someone REALLY needs to get out more...

2009-01-23T09:50:00.002Z

The best Gumtree advert in the world, to date...

(Thanks Holy Moly!)

I'm Sorry, Your Brain Is Overdrawn...

2009-01-23T08:58:00.003Z

Don't give up your day job...

Police: Masked man waited in line to rob Ohio bank

STOW, Ohio – An Ohio man may have tipped off his intentions when he stood in line at a bank wearing a ski mask before staging a holdup.

Police in Stow (STO') say Feliks Goldshtein (GOLD'-shteen) of Highland Heights was arrested Thursday following a brief car chase.

Police say the teller asked the man to take off the mask before being served. The man displayed what turned out to be a toy gun and demanded money from the teller. He made off with an undisclosed amount.

Police Captain Rick Myers says it's unusual for a masked robber to wait in line at a bank.

The 24-year-old man remained jailed Friday on charges of aggravated robbery and failure to comply with a police order. Court records didn't identify an attorney for Goldshtein.

---

Fantastic. (Story from Yahoo News)

Everybody Loves Johnny...

2009-01-16T16:33:00.001Z

Safety Warning : Do not watch wilst drinking hot liquids or wearing light coloured trousers...

Goal Fail

2009-01-09T13:10:00.001Z

Why The Blues lost interest in Boydy?

Taking The Piss

2009-01-05T16:26:00.001Z

This is a quality prank, surprised news of this didn't leak out earlier...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/7798194.stm

A Moving Story

2008-12-30T20:16:00.005Z

A few months ago my neighbours across the street moved away and a young couple moved in to their old house.

The young couple seemed happy with their dog, garage full of petrol powered boy toys (road bike, trail bike, jet ski), and his Subaru Impenis with the obligatory super huge exhaust pipe...

After a couple of months a For Sale sign appeared, the next day a van came to pick up some furniture and the boy toys, and the couple were not seen again.

The swiftness of the move pricked my interest and when my next door neighbours paid us a visit recently I asked the husband if he had any news on what had happened.

"Oh Charlie across the road? He got caught shagging someone at his work. Jacked his job in and moved back home..."

When the neighbours had left I told Mrs TK that I knew what had happened to the couple across the road.

"So do I", said Mrs TK, "Mrs Neighbours Wife told me that the guy was having an affair"

What's in a phrase eh?

1 Baltic Place

2008-12-27T12:18:00.005Z

Some addresses are very true, especially at this time of year!

Merry Chrimbo

2008-12-25T13:33:00.004Z

Hope you all enjoy the festivities.

Feel free to drink too much, eat too much, and share the sweet aroma of your sprout farts...

All this is allowed because as Mr Holder says (repeatedly)

It's Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssttttmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss!

S'no Man

2008-12-20T12:24:00.001Z

One for young Master TK.

His favourite advert at the moment...

Must Be The Time Of Year...

2008-12-19T20:05:00.002Z

This track came on the tunes box this morning during the drive to work and struck a chord...

Please lay down your pistols and your rifles
Please lay down your colours and your creeds
Please lay down your thoughts of being no-one
Concentrate on what you ought to be

Then lay down your bullshit and your protests
Then lay down your governments of greed
Take a look at what lies all around you
Then pray God we can live in peace

Everyone's a loner 'till he needs a helping hand
Everyone is everybody else
Everyone's a no-one 'till he wants to make a stand
God alone knows how we will survive

Pretty sure that this band are so deeply unfashionable that no-one will know who the song is by.

Looking forward to some entertaining guesses though!

C'est La Vie

2008-12-19T09:11:00.002Z

There's just too much Xmas pap around at the moment.

Here's some alternative listening that my old office buddies at A Major Engineering Company may recall.

http://tinyurl.com/6gg9kd

Go on, get a loif...

Wise Words

2008-12-05T09:12:00.003Z

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.. [Alan, age 10]

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. [Kristen, age 10]

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. [Camille, aged 10]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids... [Derrick, age 8]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. [Lori, age 8]

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.. [Lynnette, age 8]

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. [Martin, age 10]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. [Craig, age 9]

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. [Pam, age 7]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. [Curt, age 7]

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. [Howard, age 8]

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. [Anita, age 9]

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? [Kelvin, age 8]

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. [Ricky, age 10]

Santa's Inbox

2008-12-04T08:30:00.004Z

In The Clouds

2008-12-03T10:49:00.009Z

Found a new site that allows you create "word clouds". The site can take RSS input from blogs and autogenerate a cloud from the content.

The results are quite impressive.

Here is how some of the favourite sites round here look...

If you fancy trying this out for yourself take a trip across to Wordle.

Out Of Office

2008-11-28T15:03:00.002Z

Apologies for my sudden absence.

I have had to travel South on an urgent matter.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7753931.stm

What The Butler Saw

2008-11-26T13:00:00.004Z

We have had any music on TK's treasure chest for a while so when this one popped up on the magic music machine this morning I thought I would post it up for your viewing and listening pleasure...

Bernard Butler : Stay. This is a real grower...

Snow Sculpture

2008-11-24T21:01:00.003Z

As this was being built by two young girls at the back of my house I sincerely hope that this was just a tall thin snowman...

Google hosts Life photo archive

2008-11-19T09:23:00.004Z

The photographic archives of Life magazine, dating back to the 1750's, are now available via Google Image Search.

This is an incredible resource presenting millions of fascinating photographs many of which have not been published previously. Currently only 20% of the collection is online but this is being added to all the time.

For further information see here and here.

Warning : don't go browsing until you have a couple of hours to spare, this stuff is strangely addictive!

Thinking Inside The Box

2008-11-18T14:15:00.004Z

You can't help but admire the ingenuity of the protagonist in this story from the BBC...

Inmate escapes German jail in box

By Greg Morsbach

BBC News

A manhunt is under way in western Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail.

The 42-year-old Turkish citizen - who was serving a seven-year sentence - had been making stationery with other prisoners destined for the shops.

At the end of his shift, the inmate climbed into a cardboard box and was taken out of prison by express courier. His whereabouts are still unknown.

The chief warden of the jail told the BBC this was an embarrassing incident.

The prison authorities in Willich, near Duesseldorf, said the man, who was tall and broad-shouldered, had hidden in a box that was about 150cm by 120cm.

When the weekly express courier arrived to pick up several boxes of merchandise, the one containing the prisoner was also loaded into the back of the lorry.

Shortly after it had passed through the prison gates, the inmate made his dash for freedom by cutting a big hole in the tarpaulin of the lorry and jumping off.

The driver alerted the police after he noticed the tarpaulin flapping in the breeze.

Lying low

The jail's chief warden, Beate Peters, said the man must have had accomplices outside the prison.

"As soon as the prisoner jumped off the back of the lorry his friends would have picked him up," she told the BBC.

"We have no idea where the fugitive is hiding. We assume that he is still in the county and is lying low before making his move."

Ms Peters said fellow convicts must also have known of his plan but that they would not talk because of a "code of honour" and because it is a criminal offence in Germany to help somebody escape from jail.

She said the incident showed that security needed to be beefed up urgently, something she had been lobbying for in the last few years.

"I was not surprised that an escape happened on my watch. For years I had been asking for more security guards from the government. But now they'll have to listen."

Link to original story.

Dancing Squirrels

2008-11-17T13:59:00.003Z

Dancing squirrels!

Surely this is what the interwebthingy was invented for...

Thanks to Neatorama for the link.

I'm Speechless...Bilingually

2008-11-03T15:16:00.001Z

This story on the BBC website made me laugh out loud...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm

Football Crazy

2008-10-31T09:49:00.002Z

More hilarity from the far east.

I think I have played with some of these guys and they were just as bad without the binoculars!

Old Flame

2008-10-30T09:51:00.003Z

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out of the blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.'

I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'"

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge' "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"

So I told her to f**k off.

The Green Green Grass Of Home

2008-10-17T14:01:00.004Z

The story of the pensioner getting bollocked by his local council for cutting the grass verge outside his house would be laughable if it wasn't so typical of the attitude of councils in the UK.

Link to original story

My football club complained recently about the cutting of the grass on the football pitches we use at the weekends. Basically the grass had not been cut for about a five week period and had grown extremely long. The council then cut the grass the day before the games were due to take place and just left the overlong cuttings all over the place. The coaches and parents had to spend over an hour before the game clearing the playing surface to make it safe.

The ~~mindless excuses~~ responses we got from the council were priceless and included this absolute gem!!!

As I thought, Landscape services have confirmed that they are unable to collect grass. 600,000m2 of grass is cut by xxxxx depot staff every 10 working days so there is too much to be disposed of but since most of grass is water it soon naturally dries up.

Unfortunately on this occasion the grass at xxxx Park happened to be due a cut just before the weekend so didn't have much time to dry out.

I have also, for the first time, been made aware that the staff from the xxxxx depot who do the grass cutting are the same personnel who bury the dead and there has been an increase of those instances over the summer.

Unfortunately, for park users, burials need to take priority over grass cutting.

You couldn't make this stuff up...

Shake Hands?

2008-10-15T07:51:00.004Z

Seeing these two stories on the BBC News website this morning made me feel that perhaps the UN should be casting their net a bit wider when it comes to their efforts to improve personal hygiene.

Millions mark UN hand-washing day

Faecal bacteria join the commute

Could this be why public transport in this country is shit?

Extreme Swingers

2008-10-14T12:50:00.002Z

Admit it.

You've always wanted to do this, haven't you?

via videosift.com

Lyric Snippets 9

2008-10-14T08:50:00.002Z

Its been a while since we did this one.

Snatches of lyrics from five tracks that came up randomly on the ipod on the trip to work this morning.

Can you identify the artist and the song title?

I live uptown, I live downtown
Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear
He wore a scarlet tunic, a blue green hood, it looked quite good
When I am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
But my momma said, don't take more than a mouthful

Answers in the comments please.

Best of luck, and remember - No Googling

Two Words

2008-09-26T11:49:00.002Z

I overheard a new student the other day telling his friends that he had just heard the most exciting two words he had heard in his life.

This set me to wondering about the power of two words spoken in conjunction. To be able to bring such joy to a person so quickly is a magical thing.

I randomly thought of some great two word combinations:

"Love you"
"Chocolate coated"
"I'm pregnant"
"Dumbarton promoted" (for the Sons fans out there)
"Jimi Hendrix"

My thoughts then strayed to combinations that brought anything but joy:

"Rock Opera"
"Skimmed milk"
"I'm pregnant"
"Dumbarton nil"
"James Blunt"

The words that were bringing joy to the student...

"Free Pizza"

What are your favourite or least favourite two word combinations?

Internet Meme Timeline

2008-09-22T13:30:00.002Z

Came across this very entertaining and informative timeline showing the history of the internet meme.

Hosted on the timeline sharing site Dipity it features all the old favourites : I can has cheezburger?; Leave Britney Alone; Evolution of Dance; Diet Coke and Mentos; and Dramatic Chipmunk; plus hundreds more.

Well worth a look.

One of the scariest things I cam across was TimeCube.com . Described as "the first Internet equivalent of a schizophrenic homeless guy screaming on a streetcorner" the author Gene Ray appears seriously deranged as well as being extremely homophobic.

Go visit if you want a brief glimpse into the abyss of mental illness. Shiver...

The Aberdeen Exception

2008-09-17T14:58:00.002Z

Roundabouts.

A fairly simple road junction to deal with.

The Highway Code advises that on approaching the roundabout you make sure you are in the right lane.

If there are two lanes entering the roundabout you should be in the left hand lane if you wish to leave via the first or second exit. If you wish to leave via the second or third (or fourth etc) exit you should enter from the right hand lane. You should indicate a left turn once you have passed the exit prior to the one you wish to leave by.

All of the above means that when you go to exit the roundabout your path should be clear.

Simple.

Except if you live in Aberdeen.

I am convinced that there must be a location specific appendix to the code, The Aberdeen Exception, which applies only to this part of the world. I believe that this was probably introduced as part of the Mastrick Treaty (copyright Scotland The What, nineteen canteen).

Motorists in Aberdeen seem to believe that the entry lane to a roundabout, and your positioning as you make your way round to your intended exit, is of no consequence whatsoever.

In Aberdeen it appears to be the norm that if you wish to take the third exit from the roundabout, the one that involves driving 3/4 of the way round it, that you enter via the left hand lane and just gaily cruise round the outside of the roundabout cutting across other traffic and generally causing much stamping on brakes, wailing, gnashing of teeth, waving of fists etc.

I have been subjected to this in other cities but only rarely, I tend to put it down to people visiting from the North East. In and around Aberdeen it is a daily occurrence. The roads department have even painted handy arrows on the road pointing out which way you should be going.

Does it make a difference?

Nae really.

What prompted this rather grumpy post? Did you get cut up by one of these dozy feckers last night, TK?

Yes I bloody well did.

I am tempted to buy an old clunker, something large and heavy, and cruise round the busiest roundabouts in the city. Then, when some eejit cuts right across my exit, I'll just ram straight into them. You'd be gay not to really...

Has anyone else been subjected to this unfortunate trait, or am I just imagining it?

Scary Kilty Guy

2008-09-05T16:01:00.003Z

Whilst I'm back here in the blogowotsit I will take the chance to ask you good people of the 'Deen a question that has been bothering me.

Who is the Scary Kilty Guy?

You know, the guy that you always see about town wearing a strange sort of leather and kilt combination.

Big guy with one of those combo haircuts : shaved at the front with a long black ponytail.

He strides about the place as though he is either on his way to somewhere or on his way back...

Who is he?

What does he do?

What is with the strange garb?

Can anyone enlighten me? Post any info you have in the comments please.

p.s. I mean the big scary kilty guy, not the weedy but also very scary kilty guy described here.

Where Was I When?

2008-09-05T15:14:00.004Z

My buddy Big Rab of the excellent Ben Lomond Free Press has decided to wake me from my blog slumbers by tagging me with one of those ridiculous memes. This one requires me to recall where I was and what I was doing on certain key historical dates. This is rather funny as my memory has never been great and recently has developed more holes in it than than one of those holey things, I forget the name. These days I can only tell if I have been to the toilet recently by the relative dampness of my trousers...

Anyway, here goes nothing...

Princess Diana’s death - 31 August 1997

Ah, I do remember this! Do I get a point?

Me and Mrs TK had travelled long and far to get to our holiday retreat, a waterside apartment in Falmouth, Cornwall.

The previous occupants had obviously been using the beside alarm clock radio to waken them bright and early in the morning - on holiday? Numbskulls!

Anyway, the bloody thing went off and I couldn't find the off button without wakening myself up properly so I decided just to let the radio news guy witter on.

So I'm lying in a strange bed, in a strange room, in a strange flat, in that "not quite knowing where you are and is this a dream by the way?" state, listening to this bizarre news item about a car crash in a tunnel in Paris etc etc

One of the wierdest mornings I have ever experienced.

Coincidentally we drove back up the length of the country on the day of the funeral. Great trip, hardly any traffic on the road, made it back home in half the time!

Margaret Thatcher’s resignation 22 November 1990

Can't recall and don't really care.

Has the old bitch died yet?

Is it time to help Elvis tramp the dirt down?

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

I was at work and it was one of those occassions where all sorts of mixed messages where coming in, people phoning their loved ones at home to get the latest from the radio or television, all sorts of rumours flying around - kind of like the day Mo Johnstone signed for Rangers.

Finally someone managed to get hold of a telly that was used for showing presentations and set it up in one of the meeting rooms. I cannot adequately describe the power of the images on that screen that day. A bunch of us stood transfixed watching the planes flying into the towers over and over again, the repeating of the action never once diminishing the shock that everyone felt.

Something changed in the world that day and there's no going back.

I had been lucky enough to visit the Twin Towers on a visit to New York a couple of years before and the thought that the attack could just of easily happened then still sends a chill down my spine.

England’s World Cup Semi Final v (West) Germany - 4 July 1990

Watched this at home, much as I watch any football that is available - on the box or in real life! Another glorious failure. I think that most people in Scotland don't actually mind the majority of the players, its the arrogant, annoying, small minded, ignorant, feckwits that present and commentate on the matches for the EBC that get on everyone's thruppennies!

President Kennedy’s Assassination - 22 November 1963

I was three. I lived in Nottingham. I had a red tricycle. I vaguely recall a "girlfriend" that lived round the corner. I was once knocked unconscious when my Dad accidentally pulled me into a lamppost. I almost sliced off the top of my thumb trying to peel an apple.

I have absolutely no recollection of President Kennedy's assassination.

---

I have no intention of tagging anyone for this meme, if you read this and feel like taking part please do, and don't forget to point back down the chain like a good citizen...

Toodle pip.

Under The Alfluence Of Incohol

2008-09-05T14:59:00.003Z

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Tran substantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

No thanks, I'm married.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Kebab ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in t his parking lot or on the side of the road.
I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Posted in homage to funny posts from the divine Misssy M and my buddy Big Rab.

Biccie Business

2008-06-03T10:23:00.005Z

This story from the BBC confirms what I have always thought about biscuits in the workplace.

Biscuits 'key' to clinching business deals

About four out of five UK businesses believe the type of biscuit they serve to potential clients could clinch the deal or make it crumble, a survey says.

The outcome of a meeting could be influenced by the range and quality of biscuits, according to 1,000 business professionals quizzed by Holiday Inn.

The chocolate digestive was deemed to make the best impression followed by shortbread and Hob Nobs.

Lawyers were most impressed by good boardroom biccies, the survey added.

Dunking Do-Nots

Jammie Dodgers and Bourbons were also among the biscuit types thought to help sweet-talk customers.

However crumbly biscuits are a big no-no in the meeting environment, the questionnaire found, with 30% frowning on a regular digestive in the work environment.

And when it comes to helping yourself to biscuits from a communal plate, the most acceptable number to take is two, the research concluded.

However more than half of respondents looked down on dunking biscuits in tea or coffee during a meeting.

A survey released last year, which quizzed 7,000 people, suggested that the custard cream is the nation's favourite biscuit.

---------

What's your favourite workplace snack?

Vid 2.0 ?

2008-06-02T15:05:00.002Z

It's been all over the net by now probably but I just love this new video from Weezer.

Spot all the YouTube "stars" making guest appearances.

Ne'er cast a cloot...

2008-04-21T11:47:00.003Z

I know that we have blue skies and sunshine here in the Granite City today, and it all looks very pleasant through a window, but...

You sir!

Yes, you with the flower patterned bermuda shorts and the green flip flops!

You are a mentalist!!

Tales Out Of School

2008-03-07T14:55:00.003Z

Mrs TK works in the local primary school and has a lot of laughs with the kids there and some of the things they say.

The other day she was on duty in the playground when one of the younger girls came up to her, full of excitement.

"Mrs TK, Mrs TK. Come and see my grandfather!"

Thinking that she was going to see some elderly gentleman leaning over the school gate smiling indulgently at his favourite granddaughter Mrs TK followed the little girl round the corner of the school.

Coming to a muddy patch of ground the little girl started jumping for joy, pointing excitedly at the ground and exclaiming "Look, look. It's my grandfather, he's come to see me!". Looking down Mrs TK discovered that the source of this unbridled joy was a large wriggly earthworm.

The little girl went on to explain, "It's my grandfather Mrs TK. He died and my mummy said that when people die they sometimes come back as animals and things and this is my grandfather and he's come back to see me and I am so happy to see him it's my grandfather it's my grandfather , it is, it is!"

Mrs TK said she was very pleased to meet the little girls grandfather, made her excuses, and left the little girl playing happily and introducing her friends to the wriggly creature.

Sadly, some time later, the little girl appeared at Mrs TK's side. Gone was the exhuberant, happy face, now the child was in floods of tears...

"Oh Mrs TK, it's terrible. Someone has thrown my grandfather into the stream..."

Oh the cruelty of children! Cue two minute pep talk about how worms can swim and how her grandfather would now be happy and having fun swimming around in the big river...

Just lucky that nobody stamped on him or cut him in half, that would have been far more difficult to explain!

One For My Baby...

2008-02-28T16:15:00.001Z

Shocking Behaviour

2008-02-13T13:50:00.001Z

Love this news story from Reuters :

Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief, who also left a lit blow torch at the scene, is expected to be badly charred, spiky haired and not exactly the brightest bulb in the socket.

Read the full article here.

Quick Lyric Snippet

2008-02-06T08:57:00.000Z

This one came on whilst I was driving home last night...

Can you identify the song? (It's easy, this one)

Whistling tunes
We're kissing baboons
In the jungle

Usual rules - answers in the comments please, and no Googling!

Gone, But Not Forgotten

2008-02-04T23:38:00.001Z

Alex Harvey : 5th Feb 1935 - 4th Feb 1982 : RIP

What's It All About, Ashley?

2008-02-03T18:55:00.001Z

Classic line from the commentator on the Portsmouth v Chelsea game last night.

"Ashley Cole has been getting stick for the whole game. That's what you have to expect when you're playing away from home!"

Chortle Chortle...

Too Much Monkey Business

2008-01-30T08:57:00.001Z

Last night in Tomahawk Towers the Wee Fella came running in to the kitchen to tell Mrs TK something...

"Mum, I've just seen an advert on tv for a game that I would like to get for my Wii"

"Really? What game is that then?"

"It's called Donkey Dong and it looks really good"

Cue raised eyebrows and stifled laughter...

No Golf Practice

2008-01-29T09:12:00.001Z

No Golf Practice, originally uploaded by Vambo78.

Its no the golfers the cooncil need tae be wurryin aboot...

... its thae pesky scuba divers!

Where's My Jet Pack?

2008-01-25T13:38:00.000Z

Discovered a great blog, Paleo Future, which gives us a glimpse into previous years predictions of what our futures may look like. Weird and wacky alike are gathered here and though some of the predictions are remarkably accurate the context and presentation of the ideas raises a wry smile.

I love this film. The concepts presented are hardly groundbreaking in today's terms but the homely presentation is fantastic.

The Future is Now (1955)
Uploaded by donaldtheduckie

Must go and have my lunch...in tablet form of course.

'Is this me or Dead Shot Keen?'

2008-01-23T22:48:00.000Z

Strange how things just pop into your head sometimes isn't it?

Today I was walking to a meeting in another building when out of nowhere I started thinking about the old football comic strip 'Billy's Boots' which originated in 'Scorcher' comic in 1970. This used to be a particular favourite of mine but I have no idea why it suddenly rose up out of the dim and distant past.

Anyway, doing some quick research on the interwebthingy turned up this old but fine article on the 10 best comic book footballers . How does this list compare to your top ten?

Bearly Believable

2008-01-22T14:41:00.001Z

Maybe everybody else is already aware of this but it came as rather a surprise to me to discover that the very first recipient of a toy Paddington Bear was none other than...

...Top Gear's very own ~~homophobic xenophobe~~ mild mannered presenter, Mr Jeremy Clarkson!

NB : Paddington is 50 years old this year

A Danger With Find & Replace

2008-01-18T15:45:00.000Z

The Find & Replace function within word processing packages can be an absolute boon, saving valuable minutes of drudgery spent trawling through a document looking for and correcting instances of an incorrectly used word or phrase.

You should always, always, ALWAYS check the results of the changes though.

I was recently checking a Child Protection Policy document for a youth organisation and came across a rather strange heading in one of the appendices dealing with allegations of child abuse.

The wording in the original version of the document was :

"Procedure for managing the staff member against whom the allegation has been made"

The person who had produced the revised version of the document had obviously decided to globally replace the term "staff" with "club members". Sensible decision for a club environment with no employees as such.

The revised heading did read a little strangely though...

"Procedure for managing the club members member against whom the allegation has been made"

Perhaps this would be a better procedure after all!

Festive Greetings

2007-12-21T10:18:00.001Z

Today is the last day of work before the Xmas break and one cannot but help but ruminate on the festive period ahead.

Some people fail to appreciate the true meaning of Xmas, trying to bring religion into the equation. What rot.

Xmas is all about excess:

Spending to excess on ridiculous presents that are this years "must have" gifts - time for a Wii anyone?

Drinking to excess, expecially drinks that wouldn't normally pass your lips at other times of the year - eggnog, that stuff that is black and white - comes in a bottle with two openings...

Eating to excess (my personal favourite), what other time of the year could you get away with insisting that it is essential that you have a choice of three puddings, and that you want a helping of each one.

Excess - putting the X into Xmas for as long as I can remember.

Enjoy...

p.s. The Great Escape is on the box again this year, after being notably absent for a while, surely this time Steve McQueen is going to make it over that bloody fence....

Clear And Present Chaos

2007-12-18T21:23:00.000Z

Firstly, apologies for the lack of postings recently - I will try and get back on track in the new year.

Secondly regular readers will know that I recently took up a new job having left the one I had with a major engineering company because of the never ending management incompetence.

The following emails are in no way related to that situation or any of my previous ineffectual bosses. No way at all.

These emails were sent out on consecutive days last week and were like a beacon of clarity shining through the foggy murk of corporate IT support. Names have been changed to protect the ~~feckless~~ innocent.

Tuesday

Subject : Christmas Cover

All,

With the various changes in reporting and organisation it appears there is some confusion over the Christmas break and Christmas Eve in particular.

Many businesses are closing on the Friday before Christmas and not re-opening until after the festive season. It is expected that staff will allocate a day extra from usual allowances to cater for this. We follow the same approach unless local requirements need cover.

Regards

Havna O'Clugh
Head Of A Really Huge Team Of People And Really Quite Important These Days Doncha Know

Wednesday

Subject : Christmas Cover

All,

Sorry, I got some duff information when I first picked Operations up.

We only need staff coverage on site, or on call, during the Christmas Period if the business is working and has agreed to cover costs.

Apologies for any confusion.

Regards

Havna O'Clugh

Thursday

Subject : Christmas Cover

All,

Hands up and sorry for the continuing confusion.

We do need cover over the days the the Servicedesk is open on call. You should allow staff who volunteer to take an additional day in Lieu of the holiday.

One body each day in each region please.

Very sorry my fault.

Havna

Oh I miss the old place so much...

Bring It On

2007-11-29T14:09:00.000Z

Blogging from Madrid today.

Got here last night after a fairly tortuous journey, place is jumping with Dons fans.

Been around the Bernebau this morning and bumped into the Aberdeen squad who all seem in good spirits.

Only downer so far is one of our party getting his wallet robbed by some minker when boarding a crowded Metro train. Some other guy had his wallet lifted out of his sporran too. Bastards.

All the Aberdeen fans are to gather in one area tonight before the game, should be a fantastic atmosphere.

Let´s just hope we get a decent result...

Jock Rock #12 : Delight From Dundee

2007-11-23T20:31:00.000Z

Danny Wilson with Mary's Prayer from the album Meet Danny Wilson.

Possibly the nicest sound to ever come out of Dundee this track is pure aural gold.

Following the break up of the band vocalist Gary Clark went on to have a successful songwriting and production career working with artists such as Natalie Imbruglia and Liz Phair amongst others.

Danny Wilson on Wikipedia

The Sun Has Got His Hat On

2007-11-23T12:24:00.000Z

I can hardly believe it, the rain has stopped!

Since I moved up to the North East I have been mightily impressed with the brevity of the rain showers and have managed to ween myself off my old habit of taking an umbrella with me everywhere. When I lived on the West Coast my brolly was my constant companion.

But this week! Michty me!! I wasn't sure whether to hold the kids football training last night or have a communal ark building session.

Now we just have to raise the temperature a couple of degrees!

Absolutely Motty

2007-11-21T22:18:00.000Z

Not sure what I enjoyed most about tonight's game.

Was it Motty and Lawro clutching at straws by hoping against hope that Andorra would beat Russia?

Or was it Gary Lineker's saaaaaaaaaad face?

Jury's out...

Alarm Cat

2007-11-18T19:08:00.001Z

Anyone who has ever shared their living space with a feline will recognise this behaviour.

wake-up.wmv

Sanity Clause

2007-11-17T22:12:00.000Z

That's it. The world has finally gone completely bonkers...

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women

Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

"Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

"We are talking about little kids who do not understand that "ho, ho, ho" has any other connotation and nor should they," she told the Telegraph.

"Leave Santa alone."

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

Jock Rock #11 : Jaunty Sideburns From Jordanhill

2007-11-16T23:29:00.000Z

Del Amitri with Nothing Ever Happens from their album Waking Hours.

Always tuneful the band were most successful at the end of the 80's, early 90's. They also produced a, rather dirge like, anthem for Scotland's World Cup challenge in 1998.

Lead singer Justin Currie has never even been remotely connected with the wonderful Uncle Devil Show album A Terrible Beauty, no sir, no siree bob...

Del Amitri on Wikipedia

Was It A Chopper?

2007-11-14T22:16:00.000Z

Aye, Scotland can be a funny place at times...

Taken from the BCC News site here. (The pay off line is a cracker)

Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council
house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Top Telly

2007-11-14T18:08:00.001Z

Channel hopping tonight I came across the funniest thing I have seen on the telly in ages...

Channel 376 on Sky - Bedroom TV.

No, its not a dodgy amateur romping channel full of over made up wenches getting down some tatooed skinheads.

No. Instead it is a bunch of saddos who have videoed themselves miming to various popular music combos...

Absolute quality. It's the saddest bits of YouTube all on your telly!

Watch and cringe!

Alphabetically Speaking

2007-11-14T09:08:00.001Z

In that quasi autistic way that men like listing and ordering things I set myself a bizarre little project recently.

I decided to go through my iPod and listen to the first album title under each letter from A to Z.

The way this musical journey panned out was as follows:

A Return To Kings : Rush
Excellent prog metal from the Canadian power trio. Geddy Lee's screechy vocals are a bit of an acquired taste.

Back In Black : AC/DC
The triumphant return by the Oz rockers following Bon Scott's untimely death. Prompted a fantastic quote from Brian Johnstone, his flat capped Geordie replacement, along the lines of "One week I'm on the dole, the next I'm doing this gorgeous bird up the arse!"

Cantaloupe Island : Herbie Hancock
Joyous jazz from the keyboard master.

Damage : David Sylvian and Robert Fripp
A live recording that mixes Sylvian's rich vocals with interludes of frantic guitar Frippertronics.

Early Gold : Simple Minds
All the good, bass heavy, early stuff from before the stadium gigs suckered them into trying to be U2.

Fab Four Suture : Stereolab
Last track is very good, a bit like Phillip Glass with a backbeat.

GP / Grievous Angel : Gram Parsons
Gorgeous tunes from the man who invented country rock.

Hall Of The Mountain Grill : Hawkwind
More of the usual from the space rockers who only have two gears : the mid to fast paced chugger and the slow keyboard driven stuff.

I'm Wide Awake It's Morning : Bright Eyes
A great collection of tunes from the singer songwriter.

Jackinabox : Turin Brakes
Disappointingly lacklustre compared to the previous album.

Kasabian : Kasabian
Triumphant dance beat laced Indie.

L.A. Woman : The Doors
Riders On The Storm et al. Class.

Macalla : Clannad
Yes, its the one with Bono on it. Not quite as New Agey as their sister Enya but it ain't Slipknotl either.

Never Turn Your Back On A Friend : Budgie
Another power trio featuring lead vocals from a long haired bass player, this time they are from Wales, and haven't sold as many records...

O : Damien Rice
Bright and breezy singalong pop from the eternal optimist, or not. Keith Richards helped him get his pilot's licence you know...

Pablo Honey : Radiohead
Featuring the brilliant Creep this is tuneful angsty stuff with only the angular guitar solos hinting at what was to come.

Quadrophenia : The Who
Modtastic masterpiece. Nuff said.

Rage Against The Machine : Rage Against The Machine
Crunching riffs coupled with raw anger tinged vocals make this a visceral listening experience - great for the gym! Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!!!

SAHB Stories : The Sensational Alex Harvey Band
Probably SAHB's most polished album features the brilliant Amos Moses and The Boston Tea Party - "The king has said he's gonna put a tax on tea, and that's the reason y'all Americans drink coffee..."

Taking The Long Way : Dixie Chicks
A triumphant return from the female trio of country rockers who were castigated in their US homeland for their anti Iraq war statements.

Ugly Custard : Ugly Custard
Instrumental stuff from a bunch of 60's session musicians.

Van Halen : Van Halen
A debut album to kill for.

Waterloo To Anywhere : Dirty Pretty Things
Clattery indie stuff from the one who used to be in The Libertines but has managed to avoid the fortnightly court appearances favoured by his pasty faced ex bandmate.

X&Y : Coldplay
Low key, miserablist moaning. Strangely uplifting though.

Z : My Morning Jacket
Tuneful, atmospheric, alt countryish stuff.

1 : The Beatles
Quality from start to finish...

An interesting journey I'm sure you'll agree!

Now to do it all again in reverse...

Best Carry Out Ever?

2007-11-12T20:32:00.000Z

Scene : Pittodrie Stadium, concourse under Richard Donald stand, jammed with about 700 odd Dons fans camping out overnight to get tickets in the morning.

Folk were being allowed out to have a fag, go for chips, get refreshments etc.

Cue loads of folk coming back loaded down with alcoholic beverages.

Best one of the night was a young lad who returned with the best carry out I have ever seen - two cases of lager and a pillow!

Have you seen better than this? Why don't you thrill us with your takeaway alcohol themed tails...

Stadium Nights

2007-11-09T21:29:00.001Z

A quick note from Pittodrie where TK and his mates are queuing for tickets for the game in Madrid.

We arrived just after 7pm prepared for an overnight stint on the street. Luckily the club he seen sense and were handing out queue numbers and letting people in to spend the night in the concourse area inside the stand.

We should be ok for a ticket once they start selling them at 9am tomorrow.

Its not that warm in here despite the place being packed but at least its dry. A hell of a lot of people are coming in with a hell of a lot of drink so it might get a bit rowdy later on.

Hopefully should be able to report a successful ticket purchase in the morning!

On The Buses

2007-11-08T08:09:00.001Z

Today I are mostly be travellin' by bus...

Yes, the KidMobile broke down again yesterday. Two months after it had been in the garage to get its gearbox fixed the gear linkage snapped and left me unable to go anywhere. Luckily this happened when I was trying to reverse into a parking space on a quiet street. The thought that it could just have easily have happened in the middle of a traffic jam in Aberdeen's rush hour makes my bowels feel a bit watery...

So today I am travelling into town on a double decker which is absolutely jammed to capacity. There is no getting away from the fact the travelling amongst a whole heap of people, crammed in like the beasts that come past in the animal transporters, is a far from pleasant experience : the lack of room, the damp sweaty heat that hangs like a low lying fog, and worst of all the collective body odours of the herd...not pleasant, not pleasant at all!

Safe to say I cannot wait to get the car back. There are a lot of compelling arguments for using public transport more, and my workplace is set to do its bit to encourage us to do this by introducing parking charges etc, but the basic fact is that most people (those with a keen sense of smell especially) do not like travelling like cattle and if they can avoid doing so they will. This is probably not good news for our children's children's children but there it is.

In related news I also have to work out how to get from work to home to Pittodrie tonight for the footie...

Happy Days!

Quality Spot, Jock

2007-11-02T21:22:00.000Z

I would like to draw people's attention to this post by my good friend Groanin' Jock.

He has really turned up a diamond this time.

Jock Rock #10 : Bluster From Bathgate

2007-11-02T21:08:00.000Z

Goodbye Mr MacKenzie with The Rattler from their album Good Deeds & Dirty Rags.

Probably most famous for having Shirley Manson on keyboards and vocals, the band also featured Big John ex Exploited. I remember the big fella working at Listen record shop in Renfield Street at one point, and a jolly nice chap he was too.

Whilst Shirley went on to front Garbage, the rest of the band probably spent time collecting it...

Goodbye Mr MacKenzie on Wikipedia

What The ...

2007-10-31T21:03:00.000Z

A Fine Piece

2007-10-26T15:20:00.001Z

A Fine Piece

Nipping out for a quick stroll at lunchtime the other day I was tempted in to the rather scrummy wee bakers that is just a few yards away from my new office.

My purchase was delayed for a few precious moments by the comedy scene of a young student asking if she could pay for her purchases with a credit card.

The lady behind the counter pointed out fairly forcibly and with a sizeable measure of irritation that the shop did not accept credit cards as they were too busy to process them. This led the hungry young student to leave her intended purchase on the counter and walk out.

I guess she was hurrying off to find somewhere else where she could use Mastercard to pay for her solitary packet of cheese and onion crisps...

When it was my turn to be served I asked the lady what the tray bake with the white chocolate on top was.

This innocent enquiry provoked the following classic dialogue:

Lady # 1 : "I dinna ken son. Hey Aggie, fit dae ye cry yon tray bake wi the white choaklit oanra top?"

Lady #2 : "I cry that a white choaklity, fudgey thing..."

Lady #1 : "It's a white choaklity, fudgey thing son"

Me : "I'll take one thanks"

I'm still no wiser as to what it actually was (apart from being a white choaklity, fudgey thing of course) but it was good...

Jock Rock #9 : Punk Power From Dunfermline

2007-10-25T21:10:00.000Z

The Skids with their classic single 'Into The Valley'.

I saw The Skids supporting The Stranglers at the Glasgow Apollo back in '78 and there was something quite intriguing about them. Richard Jobson wasn't the greatest singer and danced like a spazz but Stuart Adamson was a great guitar player and their songs and sound were different from a lot of other stuff around at that time.

The Skids on Wikipedia

A Bit Behind

2007-10-25T07:22:00.000Z

I liked this piece by Scotsman columnist Robert McNeil so much that I thought I would preserve it for posteriority...

Watch out! The fatographers are after you

There was an explosion of fat people's bottoms in the papers over the weekend. I don't know how they get away with it. Every time there's a scare about the big wobbly problem of obesity, photographers are dispatched to the high streets of the nation to capture images of lardular bahookies waddling doon the road. The television does the same, mercilessly tracking some hapless bloater as she plods from shop to shop in search of ice-cream and pies, or perchance one of those cut-off tops by which she can show off her belly to the nation on a Saturday night.

Imagine the shame of seeing your buttocks thus displayed on the printed page, under an article headed, "Call for fat people to be imprisoned". It'd be even worse if the picture was seen first by your pals or even your spouse.

"Haw, Effie, there's a picture o' your bahookie in the paper."

"Yir kiddin'. Whit's it daein'?"

"Just kind o' wobblin' doon the street."

"Is it an articule about female beauty?"

"No, it's about being a bloater"

As a columnist, I'm used to seeing hideous pictures of my coupon beside the invisible rubric : "Here's what this idiot thinks". But if you're an innocent jumbo, you run the risk of being snapped from behind by a professional fatographer, and so should seriously think about having your buttocks copyrighted.

And before anyone gets all uppity about me being unfair to lardicularly challenged persons lets just say I am no stranger to a steak pie myself...

Jock Rock #8 : Electro Pop From Aberdeen

2007-10-18T19:38:00.000Z

The Shamen with 'Jesus Loves Amerika'.

Formed as an indie rock band in Aberdeen The Shamen took on board influences from the acid house scene to move through Jesus Jones and Pop Will Eat Itself territory to a fully fledged rave sound and the execrable 'Ebeneezer Goode'.

The Shamen on Wikipedia

Sheet Georgia Maroon

2007-10-17T19:05:00.000Z

Well, the balloon may not have exactly burst, but it is deflating and will soon look like an OAP's scrotum.

Tonights less than perfect performance leaves the Scotland team with a bit of a mountain to climb.

If clothes maketh the man is it any wonder that if you dress like Hearts you end up playing as badly as them...

I wonder how many of the limited edition "claret" coloured (cursed) strips will fly off the shelves now?

Hopefully this will be the death knell to an overtly cynical marketing ploy.

Sell it, Bang!

2007-10-16T19:42:00.001Z

[Action]

See before I discovered that Cillit Bang stuff, I wiz a manky bitch by the way!!

Just have a wee look roon ma hoose...

See? Ma kitchen is pure boggin', ma shower taps look like a dogger's wing mirrors, ma cooker hood is greasier than Lemmy's barnet, and ma cludgie looks like it is straight aff the dysentry ward...

Noo, wi a quick squirt of this strangely named stuff, that can shine up a penny quicker than you can say third degree chemical burns, everything is all shiny like new!!!

[Cut, that's a wrap]

Do you really think the punters will buy into this crap??? Do you not think you have maybe overegged the pudding with the fecal matter on the built in hob??? No???

Jock Rock #7 : Glasgow's Tommy Steele

2007-10-12T21:42:00.000Z

Alex Harvey was possibly the greatest, most charismatic, front man for a rock band ever, and what a band he fronted!

During the mid 70's The Sensational Alex Harvey Band were one of the best live acts on the circuit, their Christmas gigs at the Glasgow Apollo in 1975 are now legendary (and one of the best concerts I have attended).

I remember seeing this Old Grey Whistle Test performance when it was originally broadcast and I still love it to this day.

Sadly Alex died of a heart attack in 1982, the day before his 47th birthday. He seemed like an old man in a young persons world back then, it is sobering to think that I am that age now...

The Sensational Alex Harvey Band continue to gig to this day and still provide a damn good night out.

The Alex Harvey wikipedia entry

The SAHB Official website

Wade's SAHB site

High Steaks

2007-10-12T21:37:00.000Z

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks for eight legs of venison.

"That'll be £40," says the butcher.

"£40?" says the man. "That's too dear."

Not Waving...

2007-10-11T21:51:00.001Z

...Drowning

Sorry for lack of posts recently - new job syndrome.

Normal service will resume soon, I promise.

Bum Deal

2007-10-05T19:36:00.001Z

Sometimes something comes along to remind you that, underneath all the smoke and mirrors, computer systems are not quite as clever as you might think...

Jock Rock #6 : The Sunshine Sound Of Castlemilk

2007-10-05T18:23:00.000Z

The Cosmic Rough Riders with Revolution (In The Summertime?) from the album Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine.

Despite one journalist, at the time of the albums release, claiming them to be "the best band on Earth right now" and a few top 40 singles this band have struggled to achieve more than best newcomer status.

The Cosmic Rough Riders Wikipedia entry

The Bootiful Game

2007-10-03T21:04:00.000Z

What the hell is wrong with Scottish football?

The national side beating France home and away and rising to 14th in FIFA's world rankings...

Rangers handing Lyon a three goal beating away from home...

Celtic beating AC Milan, repeat AC Milan 2-1 at Parkhead...

Hopefully the Dons will take heart from this and do the business against Dnipro!

This surely cannot be right.

Bring back Bertie Vogts before its too late!

On a serious note the villain of the piece tonight is not Dida for the most ridiculous, sustained bit of ~~cheating~~ acting since Rivaldo. No, it is the ~~wee ned~~ fan who ran on and presented the ~~cheat~~ goalkeeper with the opportunity.

Doo Doo De Doo Doo

2007-09-30T21:44:00.000Z

At Pittodrie yesterday myself and the Wee Fella were sat in front of an elderly couple.

A lot of discussion had been going around about the lack of household names in the Gretna squad.

Midway through the second half Gretna made a substitution.

The announcer came over the P.A. "Coming on for Gretna is Colin McMenamin".

"Ah" said one of the elderly fans "At least we know that one".

"True" said his elderly pal "That's the lad the used to play for Liverpool".

Thank You For Waiting

2007-09-28T16:01:00.000Z

You have called at a very busy time. You call has been placed in our queuing system and will be answered soon...

Thank you for holding. All of our agents are busy right now, someone will be with you soon...

Hi. Your call will be answered shortly...

Thank you for holding. You call is important to us, someone will be with you very soon...

Still there? Fuck me you're keen...

and on and on and on...

You don't seem to get it do you strange robotic voicemail woman? I am trying to give you money! I am trying to sign up for your overpriced fancy TV service. You know, the one with more pixels than the other one.

If you know it is a busy time why don't you take on some more staff to help rake in the cash? The order via the web thing that you advertise is just a series of web pages with the same phone number at the end of the trail. The order via your blue button on your telly remote doesn't seem to work either. So I'm back to the good old telephone.

Thank you for calling. You've phoned at a very busy time (you prat). Someone will be with you when they can be arsed...

Jock Rock #5 : The Darker Side Of East Kilbride

2007-09-28T08:20:00.000Z

The Jesus And Mary Chain with April Skies from their second album Darklands.

Formed around the songwriting partnership of the brothers William and Jim Reid the band took The Beach Boys, The Velvet Underground, The Sex Pistols, Duane Eddy and a heaped teaspoon of feedback and put them in a blender.

The result was a dark brooding noise with a pop core, violence, riots at gigs, controversy, a brotherly fall out and finally reconciliation.

The Jesus And Mary Chain Wikipedia entry

How Can You See If You're A Blind Dug?

2007-09-26T15:30:00.000Z

Apologies for the scarcity of postings this week, Mrs TK has been taking advantage of the fact that I am between jobs this week and has given me a huge list of chores to do...

Here's a funny wee clip from rainybeetle the madcap behind the Glesga version of the pasta sauce adverts.

This is very funny but distinctly NSFW and if you don't like sweary words you had better close your fucking ears...

Speccy Speccy Four Eyes

2007-09-24T09:58:00.001Z

Something strange happened this morning...

I was sitting having a wee ponder about what aspect of my high-flying, non-stop action life I could write a wee blog entry about when an email popped into my inbox. [What's strange about that ya plonker? That's what is supposed to happen...]

This email was from Friends Reunited, you know the site that everyone signed up to a few years ago, making its owners millionaires in the process. The site that put you back in contact with people you knew from school but had lost touch with. The site that let you to swap emails with said lost contacts, thus enabling you to realise why you hadn't bothered to keep in touch with them in the intervening years... You know, that one.

Anyhoo, the email was from Friends Reunited in conjunction with Optical Express, the opticians. They have clubbed together to bring me an offer I might like...

Now, I do wear glasses and have done since about primary 5. These days specs are pretty cool. There are lots of different designer styles from which to choose to help you obtain the right 'look'. Even the kids have wide range of styles to choose from.

Not in my day.

When I went to school the choice for boys, unless your parents were loaded, was National Health spectacle frames in brown "horn rimmed", or black. Neither of these choices made the young TK look cool. This problem became compounded when as part of the day to day rough and tumble of the Scottish Education system both spectacle legs became broken and had to be repaired with tape until it was time to get new ones (an annual occurrence). This was not a good look. At all. Ever.

Wearing specs at school in the 70's was most definitely not cool. The taunts of "Speccy Four Eyes" and "Speccy Speccy Spazz Face" were never too far away. These days there are no doubt rules to protect the occularly challenged from the slightest chance of ridicule, back in the pre-PC days you were fair game, even for the teachers.

Now Friends Reunited (all about schooldays) and Optical Express (all about glasses) are teaming up to send me emails because they think I might be interested...

Is this random, or is there a special section on the FR site where 'normal' kids can nominate speccy kids that they remember in order to drive a targetted marketing campaign?

I think we should be told...

Last Day Today, Hooray!

2007-09-21T12:25:00.000Z

Finally.

The end of my ever so exciting notice period.

I am working through my "gettingthefuckouttahere" checklist and have ticked off most of the entries...

A couple of hours from now and this place won't see me for dust!!

I have the contact details for the people I want to stay in touch with so its just a case of handing back the phone, the laptop, the blackberry, the securid card, the id card, the parkit permit, etc etc etc. Maybe in return I can get my soul back!

Internetlife

2007-09-21T12:21:00.000Z

So Web 2.0 is all about user driven content and social networking and linking us all together to build a better and greater world that we can all have an input to...

So what if business meetings end up being like the comment threads you get everywhere on the interwebthingy these days???

Let's see...

Jock Rock #4 : The Lighter Side Of East Kilbride

2007-09-21T07:51:00.000Z

Aztec Camera with the wonderful Oblivious from the album High Land, Hard Rain (introduced by the incomparable Ivor Cutler)

Aztec Camera on Wikipedia

Footie Faces

2007-09-20T14:09:00.000Z

I'm just loving this football quiz at Chicken Dinner

Loving it but not doing very well at it would be a better description...

Soundtrack Of My Life

2007-09-20T08:14:00.000Z

My good buddy Groanin' Jock posted on this the other day and was interested to see what my answers would be. So, I thought I had better give it a go.

What music are you currently grooving to?

Not exactly grooving, more waddling about like a fat Fabrizio Ravanelli...

All sorts really : currently checking out the new KT Tunstall, Dr Alimontado, Amy Winehouse, Stephen Stills, plus lots of random stuff off the iPod.

What, if push comes to shove, is your all-time favourite album?

This is difficult as there is so much good music out there and what I want to listen to changes so much with my mood - I am so much more into random tracks from my collection at the moment.

As a musical offering though I think you would be hard pushed to beat Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix. This has everything from short poppy songs to longer less structured sound pieces - plus some of the best guitar playing you will ever hear.

What was the first record you ever bought? And where did you buy it?

The first record I ever bought was the single 'Son Of My Father' by Chicory Tip back in 1972. This was notably one of the first hit singles to feature the Moog synthesiser so it sounded really futuristic to my young ears (and the band looked great - see above, ha ha).

I reckon I must have bought this single at Taylors Music Store in Helensburgh. This was a fabulously old fashioned establishment that concentrated on selling musical instruments and sheet music. They only stocked singles that were in the charts and I seem to recall that these were not on display, to allow browsing through, but instead were kept in a little box behind the counter.

The shop owner would offer to order up anything you desired if he did not have it in stock but I have hazy memories of this being a rather tortuous process involving writing details into one of those order books with the sheet of carbon paper in, and extremely vague delivery times that meant you had to visit the shop about fifteen times to check if your order was in.

Which musician have you ever wanted to be?

I wish I had the talent to just pick up the guitar and play stuff. I mess around sometimes and make a noise but I know I'm not inherently musical.

When I was young I always wanted to be Keith Richards, just 'cos he had that real rock'n'roll swagger, you know. The bugger is still going strong despite living a lifestyle that would, and did, kill lesser men. He's still rocking and is still pretty cool. He may look like he has been dead for years but he is still the human riff and long may he continue.

What do you sing in the shower?

I don't tend to do this a lot. I have a glass shower screen and want to keep it in one piece.

Have been known to try my rendition of Delilah - the Alex Harvey version rather than Tom Jones, far more madness and menace in the delivery.

What is your favourite Saturday night record?

Saturday nights have long since stopped meaning anything special in the TK household, however in the spirit of the question probably something with fairly loud guitars on it - Sweet Child Of Mine usually hits the spot.

And your Sunday morning record?

Sunday morning now equals kids football so goes past in a hectic blur.

If I did have the time to sit and chill I would probably put on something like Miles Davis - Kind Of Blue.

Hitting The Wrong Note

2007-09-19T07:48:00.000Z

Working in an office environment sadly means that you tend to get exposed to a lot of the shitty notes that people put up around the place.

passiveaggressivenotes.com has a brilliant collection of this kind of thing rangeing from the funny (like the mobile phone note above) to the downright creepy.

Remember "Your Mother doesn't work here so..."

Dude, Are You OK?

2007-09-19T07:31:00.000Z

Stupid actor nearly ends himself on camera, sometimes it appears that you do get payback for being a twat...

Actor Nearly Chokes To Death On Camera - Watch more free videos

Via Break.com

Internet Safety Graphics

2007-09-18T09:24:00.001Z

Great collection of Internet Safety Graphics over at Cracked.com (via Neatorama).

Strange Malaise

2007-09-18T08:10:00.000Z

I've really been struggling to 'get going' this past couple of weeks and need to give myself a good shake before starting my new job.

I was on three months notice with my current employer which I negotiated down to two. These have been the longest two months of my life!

I mistakenly thought that having been here for around ten years, and being on a such a long notice period, that the company would be keen to ensure that I handed over everything I was working on and did a brain dump of all the handy stuff that I have picked up over the years. Sadly no. No contact, no deliverables, no real interest from above.

I am therefore feeling slightly miffed and more than a little bit bored...

Still, this is the final week, I have had my 'exit interview' (big joke), so I am just going to concentrate on cleaning up my workspace, making sure I have transferred all my personal files off my work laptop, etc etc etc

I then have a week off to chill and get my head together (whilst I am trying to clear some of the debris from my overstuffed garage) before taking up my new post with a clear head and an annoyingly positive attitude!

That's the plan anyways...

Toute Suite

2007-09-18T07:51:00.000Z

Hat tip to Scary Duck for his brilliantly composed letter of complaint to the company supposed to be supplying his new sofa...

I especially like how he has tagged his blog entry.

Link : Scary Duck's complaint

Can You See Me?

2007-09-18T07:15:00.000Z

37 years ago today we lost a man who virtually reinvented the electric guitar as a musical instrument and who created some of the most exciting rock music of our time.

R.I.P. Jimi...

O.J. Squeezed

2007-09-17T10:59:00.000Z

CNN reports that O.J. Simpson is being held in jail after being arrested in connection with an armed assault and robbery in Las Vegas.

No news on whether a glove was found at the scene...

Police Probe Prison Riot 'Links'

2007-09-14T13:34:00.000Z

From Yahoo News via Fark

Inmates go on sausage 'temper tantrum'

Thu Sep 13, 5:07 PM ET

HOBBS, N.M. - Some Lea County inmates set fires and broke toilets and windows after being told they would be allowed only one sausage at dinner. Jail officials said the inmates began yelling and banging on their doors in what they described in a news release as a "temper tantrum."

Officers from the Lea County Sheriff's and Hobbs Police departments were called in to restore control, and the jail was locked down after Tuesday night's incident.

Some 33 prisoners were involved, Warden Jann Gartman said.

The remaining 300-plus prisoners at the jail accepted the meal without incident, authorities said.

The damage to the jail was light, with some smoke damage and broken toilets and windows, the warden said.
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Information from: Hobbs News-Sun, http://www.hobbsnews.com