Football Crazy

More hilarity from the far east.

I think I have played with some of these guys and they were just as bad without the binoculars!

Old Flame

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out of the blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that  'old magic.'

I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'"

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge' "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"

So I told her to f**k off. 

The Green Green Grass Of Home

The story of the pensioner getting bollocked by his local council for cutting the grass verge outside his house would be laughable if it wasn't so typical of the attitude of councils in the UK.  

Link to original story

My football club complained recently about the cutting of the grass on the football pitches we use at the weekends.  Basically the grass had not been cut for about a five week period and had grown extremely long.  The council then cut the grass the day before the games were due to take place and just left the overlong cuttings all over the place.  The coaches and parents had to spend over an hour before the game clearing the playing surface to make it safe.

The mindless excuses responses we got from the council were priceless and included this absolute gem!!!

As I thought, Landscape services have confirmed that they are unable to collect grass. 600,000m2 of grass is cut by xxxxx depot staff every 10 working days so there is too much to be disposed of but since most of grass is water it soon naturally dries up. 

Unfortunately on this occasion the grass at xxxx Park happened to be due a cut just before the weekend so didn't have much time to dry out.

I have also, for the first time, been made aware that the staff from the xxxxx depot who do the grass cutting are the same personnel who bury the dead and there has been an increase of those instances over the summer.

Unfortunately, for park users, burials need to take priority over grass cutting.

You couldn't make this stuff up...

Shake Hands?

Seeing these two stories on the BBC News website this morning made me feel that perhaps the UN should be casting their net a bit wider when it comes to their efforts to improve personal hygiene.

Millions mark UN hand-washing day

Faecal bacteria join the commute

Could this be why public transport in this country is shit?

Extreme Swingers

Admit it.

You've always wanted to do this, haven't you?

via videosift.com

Lyric Snippets 9

Its been a while since we did this one.

Snatches of lyrics from five tracks that came up randomly on the ipod on the trip to work this morning.

Can you identify the artist and the song title?

1. I live uptown, I live downtown  
   
2. Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear
   
3. He wore a scarlet tunic, a blue green hood, it looked quite good
   
4. When I am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all 
   
5. But my momma said, don't take more than a mouthful
   

Answers in the comments please.

Best of luck, and remember - No Googling