A Rum Doo

(From Yahoo News)

In this Feb. 1, 2009 photo released by the Australian Customs Service, the legs of an Australian man who was caught with two pigeons hidden in his pants on an international flight from Dubai to Melbourne, Australia, are shown. The 23-year-old man arrived in Melbourne on Sunday, Feb. 1, 2009 and was questioned by Customs officials after two eggs and some seeds were found in a vitamin container in his luggage. A search of his body found two live pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to the man's legs with a pair of tights.

(AP Photo/Australian Customs Service, HO)

I wonder what the story is behind this?

I'm Sorry, Your Brain Is Overdrawn...

Don't give up your day job...

Police: Masked man waited in line to rob Ohio bank

STOW, Ohio – An Ohio man may have tipped off his intentions when he stood in line at a bank wearing a ski mask before staging a holdup.

Police in Stow (STO') say Feliks Goldshtein (GOLD'-shteen) of Highland Heights was arrested Thursday following a brief car chase.

Police say the teller asked the man to take off the mask before being served. The man displayed what turned out to be a toy gun and demanded money from the teller. He made off with an undisclosed amount.

Police Captain Rick Myers says it's unusual for a masked robber to wait in line at a bank.

The 24-year-old man remained jailed Friday on charges of aggravated robbery and failure to comply with a police order. Court records didn't identify an attorney for Goldshtein.

---

Fantastic.  (Story from Yahoo News)

Taking The Piss

This is a quality prank, surprised news of this didn't leak out earlier...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/7798194.stm

A Moving Story

A few months ago my neighbours across the street moved away and a young couple moved in to their old house.

The young couple seemed happy with their dog, garage full of petrol powered boy toys (road bike, trail bike, jet ski), and his Subaru Impenis with the obligatory super huge exhaust pipe...

After a couple of months a For Sale sign appeared, the next day a van came to pick up some furniture and the boy toys, and the couple were not seen again.

The swiftness of the move pricked my interest and when my next door neighbours paid us a visit recently I asked the husband if he had any news on what had happened.

"Oh Charlie across the road? He got caught shagging someone at his work. Jacked his job in and moved back home..."

When the neighbours had left I told Mrs TK that I knew what had happened to the couple across the road.

"So do I", said Mrs TK, "Mrs Neighbours Wife told me that the guy was having an affair"

What's in a phrase eh?

Wise Words

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming..  [Alan, age 10]

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.   [Kristen, age 10]

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  [Camille, aged 10]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids...  [Derrick, age 8]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.  [Lori, age 8]

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough..   [Lynnette, age 8]

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.   [Martin, age 10]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.  [Craig, age 9]

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.  [Pam, age 7]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.  [Curt, age 7]

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  [Howard, age 8]

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  [Anita, age 9]

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?  [Kelvin, age 8]

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.  [Ricky, age 10]

Out Of Office

Apologies for my sudden absence.

I have had to travel South on an urgent matter.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7753931.stm

Google hosts Life photo archive

The photographic archives of Life magazine, dating back to the 1750's,  are now available via Google Image Search.

This is an incredible resource presenting millions of fascinating photographs many of which have not been published previously.  Currently only 20% of the collection is online but this is being added to all the time.

For further information see here and here.

Warning : don't go browsing until you have a couple of hours to spare, this stuff is strangely addictive!

I'm Speechless...Bilingually

This story on the BBC website made me laugh out loud...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm

The Green Green Grass Of Home

The story of the pensioner getting bollocked by his local council for cutting the grass verge outside his house would be laughable if it wasn't so typical of the attitude of councils in the UK.  

Link to original story

My football club complained recently about the cutting of the grass on the football pitches we use at the weekends.  Basically the grass had not been cut for about a five week period and had grown extremely long.  The council then cut the grass the day before the games were due to take place and just left the overlong cuttings all over the place.  The coaches and parents had to spend over an hour before the game clearing the playing surface to make it safe.

The mindless excuses responses we got from the council were priceless and included this absolute gem!!!

As I thought, Landscape services have confirmed that they are unable to collect grass. 600,000m2 of grass is cut by xxxxx depot staff every 10 working days so there is too much to be disposed of but since most of grass is water it soon naturally dries up. 

Unfortunately on this occasion the grass at xxxx Park happened to be due a cut just before the weekend so didn't have much time to dry out.

I have also, for the first time, been made aware that the staff from the xxxxx depot who do the grass cutting are the same personnel who bury the dead and there has been an increase of those instances over the summer.

Unfortunately, for park users, burials need to take priority over grass cutting.

You couldn't make this stuff up...

Two Words

I overheard a new student the other day telling his friends that he had just heard the most exciting two words he had heard in his life.

This set me to wondering about the power of two words spoken in conjunction.  To be able to bring such joy to a person so quickly is a magical thing.

I randomly thought of some great two word combinations:

• "Love you"
  
• "Chocolate coated"
  
• "I'm pregnant" 
  
• "Dumbarton promoted"  (for the Sons fans out there)
  
• "Jimi Hendrix"

My thoughts then strayed to combinations that brought anything but joy:

• "Rock Opera"
• "Skimmed milk"
• "I'm pregnant"
• "Dumbarton nil"
• "James Blunt"

The words that were bringing joy to the student...

"Free Pizza"

What are your favourite or least favourite two word combinations?

Tales Out Of School

Mrs TK works in the local primary school and has a lot of laughs with the kids there and some of the things they say.

The other day she was on duty in the playground when one of the younger girls came up to her, full of excitement.

"Mrs TK, Mrs TK. Come and see my grandfather!"

Thinking that she was going to see some elderly gentleman leaning over the school gate smiling indulgently at his favourite granddaughter Mrs TK followed the little girl round the corner of the school.

Coming to a muddy patch of ground the little girl started jumping for joy, pointing excitedly at the ground and exclaiming "Look, look. It's my grandfather, he's come to see me!". Looking down Mrs TK discovered that the source of this unbridled joy was a large wriggly earthworm.

The little girl went on to explain, "It's my grandfather Mrs TK. He died and my mummy said that when people die they sometimes come back as animals and things and this is my grandfather and he's come back to see me and I am so happy to see him it's my grandfather it's my grandfather , it is, it is!"

Mrs TK said she was very pleased to meet the little girls grandfather, made her excuses, and left the little girl playing happily and introducing her friends to the wriggly creature.

Sadly, some time later, the little girl appeared at Mrs TK's side. Gone was the exhuberant, happy face, now the child was in floods of tears...

"Oh Mrs TK, it's terrible. Someone has thrown my grandfather into the stream..."

Oh the cruelty of children! Cue two minute pep talk about how worms can swim and how her grandfather would now be happy and having fun swimming around in the big river...

Just lucky that nobody stamped on him or cut him in half, that would have been far more difficult to explain!

Shocking Behaviour

Love this news story from Reuters :

Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief, who also left a lit blow torch at the scene, is expected to be badly charred, spiky haired and not exactly the brightest bulb in the socket.

Read the full article here.

Too Much Monkey Business

Last night in Tomahawk Towers the Wee Fella came running in to the kitchen to tell Mrs TK something...

"Mum, I've just seen an advert on tv for a game that I would like to get for my Wii"

"Really? What game is that then?"

"It's called Donkey Dong and it looks really good"

Cue raised eyebrows and stifled laughter...

Where's My Jet Pack?

Discovered a great blog, Paleo Future, which gives us a glimpse into previous years predictions of what our futures may look like. Weird and wacky alike are gathered here and though some of the predictions are remarkably accurate the context and presentation of the ideas raises a wry smile.

I love this film. The concepts presented are hardly groundbreaking in today's terms but the homely presentation is fantastic.

The Future is Now (1955)
Uploaded by donaldtheduckie

Must go and have my lunch...in tablet form of course.

Bearly Believable

Maybe everybody else is already aware of this but it came as rather a surprise to me to discover that the very first recipient of a toy Paddington Bear was none other than...

...Top Gear's very own homophobic xenophobe mild mannered presenter, Mr Jeremy Clarkson!

NB : Paddington is 50 years old this year

A Danger With Find & Replace

The Find & Replace function within word processing packages can be an absolute boon, saving valuable minutes of drudgery spent trawling through a document looking for and correcting instances of an incorrectly used word or phrase.

You should always, always, ALWAYS check the results of the changes though.

I was recently checking a Child Protection Policy document for a youth organisation and came across a rather strange heading in one of the appendices dealing with allegations of child abuse.

The wording in the original version of the document was :

"Procedure for managing the staff member against whom the allegation has been made"

The person who had produced the revised version of the document had obviously decided to globally replace the term "staff" with "club members". Sensible decision for a club environment with no employees as such.

The revised heading did read a little strangely though...

"Procedure for managing the club members member against whom the allegation has been made"

Perhaps this would be a better procedure after all!

Sanity Clause

That's it. The world has finally gone completely bonkers...

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women

Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

"Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

"We are talking about little kids who do not understand that "ho, ho, ho" has any other connotation and nor should they," she told the Telegraph.

"Leave Santa alone."

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

Was It A Chopper?

Aye, Scotland can be a funny place at times...

Taken from the BCC News site here. (The pay off line is a cracker)

Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council
house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Best Carry Out Ever?

Scene : Pittodrie Stadium, concourse under Richard Donald stand, jammed with about 700 odd Dons fans camping out overnight to get tickets in the morning.

Folk were being allowed out to have a fag, go for chips, get refreshments etc.

Cue loads of folk coming back loaded down with alcoholic beverages.

Best one of the night was a young lad who returned with the best carry out I have ever seen - two cases of lager and a pillow!

Have you seen better than this? Why don't you thrill us with your takeaway alcohol themed tails...

A Bit Behind

I liked this piece by Scotsman columnist Robert McNeil so much that I thought I would preserve it for posteriority...

Watch out! The fatographers are after you

There was an explosion of fat people's bottoms in the papers over the weekend. I don't know how they get away with it. Every time there's a scare about the big wobbly problem of obesity, photographers are dispatched to the high streets of the nation to capture images of lardular bahookies waddling doon the road. The television does the same, mercilessly tracking some hapless bloater as she plods from shop to shop in search of ice-cream and pies, or perchance one of those cut-off tops by which she can show off her belly to the nation on a Saturday night.

Imagine the shame of seeing your buttocks thus displayed on the printed page, under an article headed, "Call for fat people to be imprisoned". It'd be even worse if the picture was seen first by your pals or even your spouse.

"Haw, Effie, there's a picture o' your bahookie in the paper."

"Yir kiddin'. Whit's it daein'?"

"Just kind o' wobblin' doon the street."

"Is it an articule about female beauty?"

"No, it's about being a bloater"

As a columnist, I'm used to seeing hideous pictures of my coupon beside the invisible rubric : "Here's what this idiot thinks". But if you're an innocent jumbo, you run the risk of being snapped from behind by a professional fatographer, and so should seriously think about having your buttocks copyrighted.

And before anyone gets all uppity about me being unfair to lardicularly challenged persons lets just say I am no stranger to a steak pie myself...