What The ...

A Fine Piece

Nipping out for a quick stroll at lunchtime the other day I was tempted in to the rather scrummy wee bakers that is just a few yards away from my new office.

My purchase was delayed for a few precious moments by the comedy scene of a young student asking if she could pay for her purchases with a credit card. 

The lady behind the counter pointed out fairly forcibly and with a sizeable measure of irritation that the shop did not accept credit cards as they were too busy to process them.  This led the hungry young student to leave her intended purchase on the counter and walk out. 

I guess she was hurrying off to find somewhere else where she could use Mastercard to pay for her solitary packet of cheese and onion crisps...

When it was my turn to be served I asked the lady what the tray bake with the white chocolate on top was. 

This innocent enquiry provoked the following classic dialogue:

Lady # 1 : "I dinna ken son.  Hey Aggie, fit dae ye cry yon tray bake wi the white choaklit oanra top?"

Lady #2 : "I cry that a white choaklity, fudgey thing..."

Lady #1 : "It's a white choaklity, fudgey thing son"

Me : "I'll take one thanks"

I'm still no wiser as to what it actually was (apart from being a white choaklity, fudgey thing of course) but it was good...

Jock Rock #9 : Punk Power From Dunfermline

The Skids with their classic single 'Into The Valley'.

I saw The Skids supporting The Stranglers at the Glasgow Apollo back in '78 and there was something quite intriguing about them. Richard Jobson wasn't the greatest singer and danced like a spazz but Stuart Adamson was a great guitar player and their songs and sound were different from a lot of other stuff around at that time.



The Skids on Wikipedia

A Bit Behind

I liked this piece by Scotsman columnist Robert McNeil so much that I thought I would preserve it for posteriority...

Watch out! The fatographers are after you

There was an explosion of fat people's bottoms in the papers over the weekend. I don't know how they get away with it. Every time there's a scare about the big wobbly problem of obesity, photographers are dispatched to the high streets of the nation to capture images of lardular bahookies waddling doon the road. The television does the same, mercilessly tracking some hapless bloater as she plods from shop to shop in search of ice-cream and pies, or perchance one of those cut-off tops by which she can show off her belly to the nation on a Saturday night.

Imagine the shame of seeing your buttocks thus displayed on the printed page, under an article headed, "Call for fat people to be imprisoned". It'd be even worse if the picture was seen first by your pals or even your spouse.

"Haw, Effie, there's a picture o' your bahookie in the paper."

"Yir kiddin'. Whit's it daein'?"

"Just kind o' wobblin' doon the street."

"Is it an articule about female beauty?"

"No, it's about being a bloater"

As a columnist, I'm used to seeing hideous pictures of my coupon beside the invisible rubric : "Here's what this idiot thinks". But if you're an innocent jumbo, you run the risk of being snapped from behind by a professional fatographer, and so should seriously think about having your buttocks copyrighted.

And before anyone gets all uppity about me being unfair to lardicularly challenged persons lets just say I am no stranger to a steak pie myself...

Jock Rock #8 : Electro Pop From Aberdeen

The Shamen with 'Jesus Loves Amerika'.

Formed as an indie rock band in Aberdeen The Shamen took on board influences from the acid house scene to move through Jesus Jones and Pop Will Eat Itself territory to a fully fledged rave sound and the execrable 'Ebeneezer Goode'.



The Shamen on Wikipedia

Sheet Georgia Maroon

Well, the balloon may not have exactly burst, but it is deflating and will soon look like an OAP's scrotum.

Tonights less than perfect performance leaves the Scotland team with a bit of a mountain to climb.

If clothes maketh the man is it any wonder that if you dress like Hearts you end up playing as badly as them...

I wonder how many of the limited edition "claret" coloured (cursed) strips will fly off the shelves now?

Hopefully this will be the death knell to an overtly cynical marketing ploy.

Sell it, Bang!

[Action]

See before I discovered that Cillit Bang stuff, I wiz a manky bitch by the way!!

Just have a wee look roon ma hoose...

See? Ma kitchen is pure boggin', ma shower taps look like a dogger's wing mirrors, ma cooker hood is greasier than Lemmy's barnet, and ma cludgie looks like it is straight aff the dysentry ward...

Noo, wi a quick squirt of this strangely named stuff, that can shine up a penny quicker than you can say third degree chemical burns, everything is all shiny like new!!!

[Cut, that's a wrap]

Do you really think the punters will buy into this crap??? Do you not think you have maybe overegged the pudding with the fecal matter on the built in hob??? No???

Jock Rock #7 : Glasgow's Tommy Steele

Alex Harvey was possibly the greatest, most charismatic, front man for a rock band ever, and what a band he fronted!

During the mid 70's The Sensational Alex Harvey Band were one of the best live acts on the circuit, their Christmas gigs at the Glasgow Apollo in 1975 are now legendary (and one of the best concerts I have attended).

I remember seeing this Old Grey Whistle Test performance when it was originally broadcast and I still love it to this day.

Sadly Alex died of a heart attack in 1982, the day before his 47th birthday. He seemed like an old man in a young persons world back then, it is sobering to think that I am that age now...

The Sensational Alex Harvey Band continue to gig to this day and still provide a damn good night out.




The Alex Harvey wikipedia entry

The SAHB Official website

Wade's SAHB site

High Steaks

A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks for eight legs of venison.

"That'll be £40," says the butcher.

"£40?" says the man. "That's too dear."

Not Waving...

...Drowning

Sorry for lack of posts recently - new job syndrome.

Normal service will resume soon, I promise.

Bum Deal

Sometimes something comes along to remind you that, underneath all the smoke and mirrors, computer systems are not quite as clever as you might think...

Jock Rock #6 : The Sunshine Sound Of Castlemilk

The Cosmic Rough Riders with Revolution (In The Summertime?) from the album Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine.

Despite one journalist, at the time of the albums release, claiming them to be "the best band on Earth right now" and a few top 40 singles this band have struggled to achieve more than best newcomer status.



The Cosmic Rough Riders Wikipedia entry

The Bootiful Game

What the hell is wrong with Scottish football?

The national side beating France home and away and rising to 14th in FIFA's world rankings...

Rangers handing Lyon a three goal beating away from home...

Celtic beating AC Milan, repeat AC Milan 2-1 at Parkhead...

Hopefully the Dons will take heart from this and do the business against Dnipro!

This surely cannot be right.

Bring back Bertie Vogts before its too late!

On a serious note the villain of the piece tonight is not Dida for the most ridiculous, sustained bit of cheating acting since Rivaldo. No, it is the wee ned fan who ran on and presented the cheat goalkeeper with the opportunity.