A Bit Behind

I liked this piece by Scotsman columnist Robert McNeil so much that I thought I would preserve it for posteriority...

Watch out! The fatographers are after you

There was an explosion of fat people's bottoms in the papers over the weekend. I don't know how they get away with it. Every time there's a scare about the big wobbly problem of obesity, photographers are dispatched to the high streets of the nation to capture images of lardular bahookies waddling doon the road. The television does the same, mercilessly tracking some hapless bloater as she plods from shop to shop in search of ice-cream and pies, or perchance one of those cut-off tops by which she can show off her belly to the nation on a Saturday night.

Imagine the shame of seeing your buttocks thus displayed on the printed page, under an article headed, "Call for fat people to be imprisoned". It'd be even worse if the picture was seen first by your pals or even your spouse.

"Haw, Effie, there's a picture o' your bahookie in the paper."

"Yir kiddin'. Whit's it daein'?"

"Just kind o' wobblin' doon the street."

"Is it an articule about female beauty?"

"No, it's about being a bloater"

As a columnist, I'm used to seeing hideous pictures of my coupon beside the invisible rubric : "Here's what this idiot thinks". But if you're an innocent jumbo, you run the risk of being snapped from behind by a professional fatographer, and so should seriously think about having your buttocks copyrighted.

And before anyone gets all uppity about me being unfair to lardicularly challenged persons lets just say I am no stranger to a steak pie myself...