Calculated Violence

From The Giant Napkin

Fourth grade math genius calculates a high probability of getting beat up

ROCK HILL, Mo.—Earlier this week a Jefferson grade school student used his advanced mathematics skills to calculate his likelihood of being pummeled at the hands of larger, more popular children. Alex Mosley employed complex reasoning and social ratios to determine that he will almost certainly suffer a beating before month’s end.

“First, I computed my annoyance ratio to determine the probability that each student would want to beat me up,” said Mosley. “Then I gauged that against the Beatings to Hand Raises Theory along with past historical data from my previous physical assaults.”

To put his findings in layman’s terms, Mosley’s pretentiousness and poor conversational skills make him decidedly annoying. Pair that with his propensity to raise his hand for most teacher-posed questions and his past run-ins with more aggressive and popular peers, and one would have to believe Mosley will get his beating sometime soon.

“It will probably be like twelve kids who go after him,” said Mosley’s teacher Margaret Schumacher. “I won’t do anything. Well, I’ll watch.”

Adding to the evidence pointing towards Mosley’s beating are the many threats the 10-year-old math wiz has received. In the past week alone, four boys have warned Mosley they would have to inflict pain upon him should he continue being so smart.

“The probability of me remaining this smart, let alone becoming slightly smarter, is very high,” said Mosley. “Given that, getting beat up within the month is an expected result. Furthermore, when taking into account my small stature proportional to the most likely inflictors of given beating, I’m estimating a 30 percent chance of a broken bone.”

Mosley’s parents are aware of their son’s chances and have computed the need for various first aid necessities, bearing in mind Alex’s asthma and sensitive skin.