A Moving Story

A few months ago my neighbours across the street moved away and a young couple moved in to their old house.

The young couple seemed happy with their dog, garage full of petrol powered boy toys (road bike, trail bike, jet ski), and his Subaru Impenis with the obligatory super huge exhaust pipe...

After a couple of months a For Sale sign appeared, the next day a van came to pick up some furniture and the boy toys, and the couple were not seen again.

The swiftness of the move pricked my interest and when my next door neighbours paid us a visit recently I asked the husband if he had any news on what had happened.

"Oh Charlie across the road? He got caught shagging someone at his work. Jacked his job in and moved back home..."

When the neighbours had left I told Mrs TK that I knew what had happened to the couple across the road.

"So do I", said Mrs TK, "Mrs Neighbours Wife told me that the guy was having an affair"

What's in a phrase eh?

1 Baltic Place

Some addresses are very true, especially at this time of year!

Merry Chrimbo

Hope you all enjoy the festivities.

Feel free to drink too much, eat too much, and share the sweet aroma of your sprout farts...

All this is allowed because as Mr Holder says (repeatedly)

It's Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssttttmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss!

S'no Man

One for young Master TK.

His favourite advert at the moment...

Must Be The Time Of Year...

This track came on the tunes box this morning during the drive to work and struck a chord...

Please lay down your pistols and your rifles
Please lay down your colours and your creeds
Please lay down your thoughts of being no-one
Concentrate on what you ought to be

Then lay down your bullshit and your protests
Then lay down your governments of greed
Take a look at what lies all around you
Then pray God we can live in peace

Everyone's a loner 'till he needs a helping hand
Everyone is everybody else
Everyone's a no-one 'till he wants to make a stand
God alone knows how we will survive

Pretty sure that this band are so deeply unfashionable that no-one will know who the song is by.

Looking forward to some entertaining guesses though!

C'est La Vie

There's just too much Xmas pap around at the moment.

Here's some alternative listening that my old office buddies at A Major Engineering Company may recall.

http://tinyurl.com/6gg9kd

Go on, get a loif...

Wise Words

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming..  [Alan, age 10]

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.   [Kristen, age 10]

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  [Camille, aged 10]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids...  [Derrick, age 8]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.  [Lori, age 8]

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough..   [Lynnette, age 8]

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.   [Martin, age 10]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.  [Craig, age 9]

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.  [Pam, age 7]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.  [Curt, age 7]

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  [Howard, age 8]

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  [Anita, age 9]

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?  [Kelvin, age 8]

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.  [Ricky, age 10]

Santa's Inbox

In The Clouds

Found a new site that allows you create "word clouds".  The site can take RSS input from blogs and autogenerate a cloud from the content.  

The results are quite impressive.

Here is how some of the favourite sites round here look...

TK's Cabin

Big Rab's Place

The Groaner's Gaff

Misssy's House

If you fancy trying this out for yourself take a trip across to Wordle.

Out Of Office

Apologies for my sudden absence.

I have had to travel South on an urgent matter.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7753931.stm

What The Butler Saw

We have had any music on TK's treasure chest for a while so when this one popped up on the magic music machine this morning I thought I would post it up for your viewing and listening pleasure...

Bernard Butler : Stay.  This is a real grower...

Snow Sculpture

As this was being built by two young girls at the back of my house I sincerely hope that this was just a tall thin snowman...

Google hosts Life photo archive

The photographic archives of Life magazine, dating back to the 1750's,  are now available via Google Image Search.

This is an incredible resource presenting millions of fascinating photographs many of which have not been published previously.  Currently only 20% of the collection is online but this is being added to all the time.

For further information see here and here.

Warning : don't go browsing until you have a couple of hours to spare, this stuff is strangely addictive!

Thinking Inside The Box

You can't help but admire the ingenuity of the protagonist in this story from the BBC...

Inmate escapes German jail in box  

By Greg Morsbach 

BBC News 

 

A manhunt is under way in western Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail. 

The 42-year-old Turkish citizen - who was serving a seven-year sentence - had been making stationery with other prisoners destined for the shops. 

At the end of his shift, the inmate climbed into a cardboard box and was taken out of prison by express courier. His whereabouts are still unknown. 

The chief warden of the jail told the BBC this was an embarrassing incident. 

The prison authorities in Willich, near Duesseldorf, said the man, who was tall and broad-shouldered, had hidden in a box that was about 150cm by 120cm. 

When the weekly express courier arrived to pick up several boxes of merchandise, the one containing the prisoner was also loaded into the back of the lorry. 

Shortly after it had passed through the prison gates, the inmate made his dash for freedom by cutting a big hole in the tarpaulin of the lorry and jumping off. 

The driver alerted the police after he noticed the tarpaulin flapping in the breeze. 

Lying low 

The jail's chief warden, Beate Peters, said the man must have had accomplices outside the prison. 

"As soon as the prisoner jumped off the back of the lorry his friends would have picked him up," she told the BBC. 

"We have no idea where the fugitive is hiding. We assume that he is still in the county and is lying low before making his move." 

Ms Peters said fellow convicts must also have known of his plan but that they would not talk because of a "code of honour" and because it is a criminal offence in Germany to help somebody escape from jail. 

She said the incident showed that security needed to be beefed up urgently, something she had been lobbying for in the last few years. 

"I was not surprised that an escape happened on my watch. For years I had been asking for more security guards from the government. But now they'll have to listen."

Link to original story.

Dancing Squirrels

Dancing squirrels!

Surely this is what the interwebthingy was invented for...

Thanks to Neatorama for the link.

I'm Speechless...Bilingually

This story on the BBC website made me laugh out loud...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm

Football Crazy

More hilarity from the far east.

I think I have played with some of these guys and they were just as bad without the binoculars!

Old Flame

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out of the blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that  'old magic.'

I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'"

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge' "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"

So I told her to f**k off. 

The Green Green Grass Of Home

The story of the pensioner getting bollocked by his local council for cutting the grass verge outside his house would be laughable if it wasn't so typical of the attitude of councils in the UK.  

Link to original story

My football club complained recently about the cutting of the grass on the football pitches we use at the weekends.  Basically the grass had not been cut for about a five week period and had grown extremely long.  The council then cut the grass the day before the games were due to take place and just left the overlong cuttings all over the place.  The coaches and parents had to spend over an hour before the game clearing the playing surface to make it safe.

The mindless excuses responses we got from the council were priceless and included this absolute gem!!!

As I thought, Landscape services have confirmed that they are unable to collect grass. 600,000m2 of grass is cut by xxxxx depot staff every 10 working days so there is too much to be disposed of but since most of grass is water it soon naturally dries up. 

Unfortunately on this occasion the grass at xxxx Park happened to be due a cut just before the weekend so didn't have much time to dry out.

I have also, for the first time, been made aware that the staff from the xxxxx depot who do the grass cutting are the same personnel who bury the dead and there has been an increase of those instances over the summer.

Unfortunately, for park users, burials need to take priority over grass cutting.

You couldn't make this stuff up...

Shake Hands?

Seeing these two stories on the BBC News website this morning made me feel that perhaps the UN should be casting their net a bit wider when it comes to their efforts to improve personal hygiene.

Millions mark UN hand-washing day

Faecal bacteria join the commute

Could this be why public transport in this country is shit?

Extreme Swingers

Admit it.

You've always wanted to do this, haven't you?

via videosift.com

Lyric Snippets 9

Its been a while since we did this one.

Snatches of lyrics from five tracks that came up randomly on the ipod on the trip to work this morning.

Can you identify the artist and the song title?

1. I live uptown, I live downtown  
   
2. Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear
   
3. He wore a scarlet tunic, a blue green hood, it looked quite good
   
4. When I am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all 
   
5. But my momma said, don't take more than a mouthful
   

Answers in the comments please.

Best of luck, and remember - No Googling

Two Words

I overheard a new student the other day telling his friends that he had just heard the most exciting two words he had heard in his life.

This set me to wondering about the power of two words spoken in conjunction.  To be able to bring such joy to a person so quickly is a magical thing.

I randomly thought of some great two word combinations:

• "Love you"
  
• "Chocolate coated"
  
• "I'm pregnant" 
  
• "Dumbarton promoted"  (for the Sons fans out there)
  
• "Jimi Hendrix"

My thoughts then strayed to combinations that brought anything but joy:

• "Rock Opera"
• "Skimmed milk"
• "I'm pregnant"
• "Dumbarton nil"
• "James Blunt"

The words that were bringing joy to the student...

"Free Pizza"

What are your favourite or least favourite two word combinations?

Internet Meme Timeline

Came across this very entertaining and informative timeline showing the history of the internet meme.

Hosted on the timeline sharing site Dipity it features all the old favourites : I can has cheezburger?; Leave Britney Alone; Evolution of Dance; Diet Coke and Mentos; and Dramatic Chipmunk; plus hundreds more.

Well worth a look.

One of the scariest things I cam across was TimeCube.com . Described as "the first Internet equivalent of a schizophrenic homeless guy screaming on a streetcorner" the author Gene Ray appears seriously deranged as well as being extremely homophobic. 

Go visit if you want a brief glimpse into the abyss of mental illness. Shiver...

The Aberdeen Exception

Roundabouts.

A fairly simple road junction to deal with.

The Highway Code advises that on approaching the roundabout you make sure you are in the right lane.

If there are two lanes entering the roundabout you should be in the left hand lane if you wish to leave via the first or second exit. If you wish to leave via the second or third (or fourth etc) exit you should enter from the right hand lane.  You should indicate a left turn once you have passed the exit prior to the one you wish to leave by.

All of the above means that when you go to exit the roundabout your path should be clear.

Simple.

Except if you live in Aberdeen.

I am convinced that there must be a location specific appendix to the code, The Aberdeen Exception, which applies only to this part of the world.  I believe that this was probably introduced as part of the Mastrick Treaty (copyright Scotland The What, nineteen canteen).

Motorists in Aberdeen seem to believe that the entry lane to a roundabout, and your positioning as you make your way round to your intended exit, is of no consequence whatsoever.

In Aberdeen it appears to be the norm that if you wish to take the third exit from the roundabout, the one that involves driving 3/4 of the way round it, that you enter via the left hand lane and just gaily cruise round the outside of the roundabout cutting across other traffic and generally causing much stamping on brakes, wailing, gnashing of teeth, waving of fists etc.

I have been subjected to this in other cities but only rarely, I tend to put it down to people visiting from the North East.  In and around Aberdeen it is a daily occurrence.  The roads department have even painted handy arrows on the road pointing out which way you should be going.  

Does it make a difference?  

Nae really.

What prompted this rather grumpy post?  Did you get cut up by one of these dozy feckers last night, TK?

Yes I bloody well did.  

I am tempted to buy an old clunker, something large and heavy, and cruise round the busiest roundabouts in the city.  Then, when some eejit cuts right across my exit, I'll just ram straight into them.  You'd be gay not to really...

Has anyone else been subjected to this unfortunate trait, or am I just imagining it?

Scary Kilty Guy

Whilst I'm back here in the blogowotsit I will take the chance to ask you good people of the 'Deen a question that has been bothering me.

Who is the Scary Kilty Guy?

You know, the guy that you always see about town wearing a strange sort of leather and kilt combination.

Big guy with one of those combo haircuts : shaved at the front with a long black ponytail.

He strides about the place as though he is either on his way to somewhere or on his way back...

Who is he?

What does he do?

What is with the strange garb?

Can anyone enlighten me?  Post any info you have in the comments please.

p.s. I mean the big scary kilty guy, not the weedy but also very scary kilty guy described here.

Where Was I When?

My buddy Big Rab of the excellent Ben Lomond Free Press has decided to wake me from my blog slumbers by tagging me with one of those ridiculous memes.  This one requires me to recall where I was and what I was doing on certain key historical dates.  This is rather funny as my memory has never been great and recently has developed more holes in it than than one of those holey things, I forget the name.  These days I can only tell if I have been to the toilet recently by the relative dampness of my trousers...

Anyway, here goes nothing...

Princess Diana’s death - 31 August 1997

Ah, I do remember this! Do I get a point?

Me and Mrs TK had travelled long and far to get to our holiday retreat, a waterside apartment in Falmouth, Cornwall.

The previous occupants had obviously been using the beside alarm clock radio to waken them bright and early in the morning - on holiday?  Numbskulls!

Anyway, the bloody thing went off and I couldn't find the off button without wakening myself up properly so I decided just to let the radio news guy witter on.

So I'm lying in a strange bed, in a strange room, in a strange flat, in that "not quite knowing where you are and is this a dream by the way?" state, listening to this bizarre news item about a car crash in a tunnel in Paris etc etc

One of the wierdest mornings I have ever experienced.

Coincidentally we drove back up the length of the country on the day of the funeral.  Great trip, hardly any traffic on the road, made it back home in half the time!

Margaret Thatcher’s resignation 22 November 1990

Can't recall and don't really care.

Has the old bitch died yet?

Is it time to help Elvis tramp the dirt down?

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

I was at work and it was one of those occassions where all sorts of mixed messages where coming in, people phoning their loved ones at home to get the latest from the radio or television, all sorts of rumours flying around - kind of like the day Mo Johnstone signed for Rangers.

Finally someone managed to get hold of a telly that was used for showing presentations and set it up in one of the meeting rooms.  I cannot adequately describe the power of the images on that screen that day.  A bunch of us stood transfixed watching the planes flying into the towers over and over again, the repeating of the action never once diminishing the shock that everyone felt.

Something changed in the world that day and there's no going back.

I had been lucky enough to visit the Twin Towers on a visit to New York a couple of years before and the thought that the attack could just of easily happened then still sends a chill down my spine. 

England’s World Cup Semi Final v (West) Germany - 4 July 1990

Watched this at home, much as I watch any football that is available - on the box or in real life! Another glorious failure.  I think that most people in Scotland don't actually mind the majority of the players, its the arrogant, annoying, small minded, ignorant, feckwits that present and commentate on the matches for the EBC that get on everyone's thruppennies!

President Kennedy’s Assassination - 22 November 1963

I was three.  I lived in Nottingham.  I had a red tricycle.  I vaguely recall a "girlfriend" that lived round the corner.  I was once knocked unconscious when my Dad accidentally pulled me into a lamppost.  I almost sliced off the top of my thumb trying to peel an apple.  

I have absolutely no recollection of President Kennedy's assassination.

---

I have no intention of tagging anyone for this meme, if you read this and feel like taking part please do, and don't forget to point back down the chain like a good citizen...

Toodle pip.

Under The Alfluence Of Incohol

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
   
2. Preliminary
   
3. Proliferation
   
4. Cinnamon
   

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
   
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
   
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
   
4. Tran substantiate
   

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
   
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
   
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
   
4. Kebab ?  No thanks, I'm not hungry.
   
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
   
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
   
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
   
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
   
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in t his parking lot or on the side of the road.
   
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
    

Posted in homage to funny posts from the divine Misssy M and my buddy Big Rab.

Biccie Business

This story from the BBC confirms what I have always thought about biscuits in the workplace.

Biscuits 'key' to clinching business deals

About four out of five UK businesses believe the type of biscuit they serve to potential clients could clinch the deal or make it crumble, a survey says.

The outcome of a meeting could be influenced by the range and quality of biscuits, according to 1,000 business professionals quizzed by Holiday Inn.

The chocolate digestive was deemed to make the best impression followed by shortbread and Hob Nobs.

Lawyers were most impressed by good boardroom biccies, the survey added.

Dunking Do-Nots

Jammie Dodgers and Bourbons were also among the biscuit types thought to help sweet-talk customers.

However crumbly biscuits are a big no-no in the meeting environment, the questionnaire found, with 30% frowning on a regular digestive in the work environment.

And when it comes to helping yourself to biscuits from a communal plate, the most acceptable number to take is two, the research concluded.

However more than half of respondents looked down on dunking biscuits in tea or coffee during a meeting.

A survey released last year, which quizzed 7,000 people, suggested that the custard cream is the nation's favourite biscuit.

---------

What's your favourite workplace snack?

Vid 2.0 ?

It's been all over the net by now probably but I just love this new video from Weezer.

Spot all the YouTube "stars" making guest appearances.

Ne'er cast a cloot...

I know that we have blue skies and sunshine here in the Granite City today, and it all looks very pleasant through a window, but...

You sir!

Yes, you with the flower patterned bermuda shorts and the green flip flops!

You are a mentalist!!

Tales Out Of School

Mrs TK works in the local primary school and has a lot of laughs with the kids there and some of the things they say.

The other day she was on duty in the playground when one of the younger girls came up to her, full of excitement.

"Mrs TK, Mrs TK. Come and see my grandfather!"

Thinking that she was going to see some elderly gentleman leaning over the school gate smiling indulgently at his favourite granddaughter Mrs TK followed the little girl round the corner of the school.

Coming to a muddy patch of ground the little girl started jumping for joy, pointing excitedly at the ground and exclaiming "Look, look. It's my grandfather, he's come to see me!". Looking down Mrs TK discovered that the source of this unbridled joy was a large wriggly earthworm.

The little girl went on to explain, "It's my grandfather Mrs TK. He died and my mummy said that when people die they sometimes come back as animals and things and this is my grandfather and he's come back to see me and I am so happy to see him it's my grandfather it's my grandfather , it is, it is!"

Mrs TK said she was very pleased to meet the little girls grandfather, made her excuses, and left the little girl playing happily and introducing her friends to the wriggly creature.

Sadly, some time later, the little girl appeared at Mrs TK's side. Gone was the exhuberant, happy face, now the child was in floods of tears...

"Oh Mrs TK, it's terrible. Someone has thrown my grandfather into the stream..."

Oh the cruelty of children! Cue two minute pep talk about how worms can swim and how her grandfather would now be happy and having fun swimming around in the big river...

Just lucky that nobody stamped on him or cut him in half, that would have been far more difficult to explain!

One For My Baby...

Shocking Behaviour

Love this news story from Reuters :

Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable Saturday night.

The thief, who also left a lit blow torch at the scene, is expected to be badly charred, spiky haired and not exactly the brightest bulb in the socket.

Read the full article here.

Quick Lyric Snippet

This one came on whilst I was driving home last night...

Can you identify the song? (It's easy, this one)

Whistling tunes
We're kissing baboons
In the jungle

Usual rules - answers in the comments please, and no Googling!

Gone, But Not Forgotten

Alex Harvey : 5th Feb 1935 - 4th Feb 1982 : RIP

What's It All About, Ashley?

Classic line from the commentator on the Portsmouth v Chelsea game last night.

"Ashley Cole has been getting stick for the whole game. That's what you have to expect when you're playing away from home!"

Chortle Chortle...

Too Much Monkey Business

Last night in Tomahawk Towers the Wee Fella came running in to the kitchen to tell Mrs TK something...

"Mum, I've just seen an advert on tv for a game that I would like to get for my Wii"

"Really? What game is that then?"

"It's called Donkey Dong and it looks really good"

Cue raised eyebrows and stifled laughter...

No Golf Practice

No Golf Practice, originally uploaded by Vambo78.

Its no the golfers the cooncil need tae be wurryin aboot...

... its thae pesky scuba divers!

Where's My Jet Pack?

Discovered a great blog, Paleo Future, which gives us a glimpse into previous years predictions of what our futures may look like. Weird and wacky alike are gathered here and though some of the predictions are remarkably accurate the context and presentation of the ideas raises a wry smile.

I love this film. The concepts presented are hardly groundbreaking in today's terms but the homely presentation is fantastic.

The Future is Now (1955)
Uploaded by donaldtheduckie

Must go and have my lunch...in tablet form of course.

'Is this me or Dead Shot Keen?'

Strange how things just pop into your head sometimes isn't it?

Today I was walking to a meeting in another building when out of nowhere I started thinking about the old football comic strip 'Billy's Boots' which originated in 'Scorcher' comic in 1970. This used to be a particular favourite of mine but I have no idea why it suddenly rose up out of the dim and distant past.

Anyway, doing some quick research on the interwebthingy turned up this old but fine article on the 10 best comic book footballers . How does this list compare to your top ten?

Bearly Believable

Maybe everybody else is already aware of this but it came as rather a surprise to me to discover that the very first recipient of a toy Paddington Bear was none other than...

...Top Gear's very own homophobic xenophobe mild mannered presenter, Mr Jeremy Clarkson!

NB : Paddington is 50 years old this year

A Danger With Find & Replace

The Find & Replace function within word processing packages can be an absolute boon, saving valuable minutes of drudgery spent trawling through a document looking for and correcting instances of an incorrectly used word or phrase.

You should always, always, ALWAYS check the results of the changes though.

I was recently checking a Child Protection Policy document for a youth organisation and came across a rather strange heading in one of the appendices dealing with allegations of child abuse.

The wording in the original version of the document was :

"Procedure for managing the staff member against whom the allegation has been made"

The person who had produced the revised version of the document had obviously decided to globally replace the term "staff" with "club members". Sensible decision for a club environment with no employees as such.

The revised heading did read a little strangely though...

"Procedure for managing the club members member against whom the allegation has been made"

Perhaps this would be a better procedure after all!